Cassie is the driver in our family. Everybody knows this. And it’s not just because she really likes to drive — which she does — it’s also because Dan is a lousy driver. Everybody knows that too. It’s not all his fault though as he comes by it naturally. Both of Dan’s parents made driving an adventure and neither of his brothers is an automotive rock star. So Cassie has always been the primary driver in the relationship.
This is significant because we decided to spend ten weeks in Northern California again this spring and we have historically driven out so that Doc the Basset Hound can join us and so we can have our car while we are there. This year, however, we decided it didn’t make sense for Cassie to do the drive given her varying energy levels. So Dan drove out with one of our close friends who graciously volunteered to make the trip. More accurately, our friend drove and Dan handled podcasts, snacks, and restaurant selections.
It was a great road trip for them covering four nights and five days. The weather was perfect. The scenery beautiful. The podcasts funny. (Who knew true crime could be funny?) Yet it also represented the longest we have been apart since we learned that Cassie has metastatic breast cancer. Even though it was only four nights, we missed each other. We were both lonely and a little out of sorts. Dan was worried about Cassie. Cassie found it strange being in the house without Dan or Doc. Dan didn’t sleep well because he kept rolling over, seeing an empty bed, and contemplating his future.
It got us both thinking. How do we decide whether or not to spend time apart? We’ve both always been fiercely independent. Before the diagnosis we both traveled a lot for work, took trips on our own and spent weekends away with friends. Sometimes we’d even make plans without consulting each other because it felt like we had all of the time in the world and both wanted the other to have fun. Now it all seems different. Every night away from each other feels like a lost night. Yet we still have things we want to do on our own and people we want to spend time with individually. So how do we decide?
Sometimes it’s clear as it was with the California trip — the ends (ten weeks in California together and quality road-trip time with a close friend) clearly justified the means (five days apart). In other circumstances though, we’ve found we need to intentionally consider a set of questions before making plans. Will the time away from each other be restorative and energizing? How is Cassie feeling? How connected are we as a couple at that moment? When were we last apart? How many nights are we talking about?
There’s no clear formula but we’re realizing that time together is more precious than ever and sleeping next to each other can no longer be taken for granted.
