So we are both oldest children. When you look up characteristics of firstborns you often see things like independent, assertive, controlling (bossy?), self-sufficient and more of the like. Throughout our marriage, we have somehow successfully navigated having these common traits even though we both usually think we are right. It’s probably worked because deep down we both know that being right and/or keeping score doesn’t really matter and simply doesn’t work when it comes to being married.
So high amongst our shared characteristics is that we hate asking for help. We like to be self sufficient, keep our own counsel and muscle through tough spots on our own or by leaning on each other. We love helping others and are grateful when friends and family ask for what they need. But, we can both be pretty stubborn (just ask our siblings) and self-reliant to a fault.
This diagnosis has forced us to start changing our ways and we are finding it really hard. Cassie can still do and wants to do most things but her energy level has decreased (on a good day it’s probably 30% less than before). Conversely, Dan has a lot of energy and wishes he could transfer it to Cassie but it doesn’t work that way. So every task is weighed against other tasks, activities and uses of our time. We can still do a lot but at what cost? Is plowing through our to-do list as we have always done the best use of time and energy? Which projects really matter? What fun do we wind up sacrificing in an evening because we insisted on muscling through in the morning? Can we let go of some things or, god forbid, can we imagine not doing everything or not doing it all ourselves?
We are incredibly blessed to have a support network of family and friends who are willing to help us — who ask us continuously what they can do. We, on the other-hand, are not so good at taking our community up on these offers. Part of that is because, even though we are living in a “new normal,” we want our life to remain as normal as possible for as long as possible. This might mean cooking for ourselves (which Dan enjoys) or continuing to walk Doc which is so grounding (at least when it’s not 30 below). But this desire for normalcy isn’t the main reason we don’t ask for or accept more help — we’ve come to realize that we don’t do it because we aren’t that good at it. Period.
We are working on evolving though and we are working on it together. We have to remind each other constantly that it’s ok to ask for help and we often switch roles in terms of which one of us is encouraging the other. We are practicing too. We tried a meal train for a few weeks last fall and while it felt awkward at times it also made life SO much easier during a particularly busy stretch where Dan had some big projects for work. We had a group of friends tackle all our yard projects in a single day this spring and that was so generous and helpful and provided us with an incredible sense of relief.
We are practicing now because we know that we are likely going to need a lot more help down the road. However, when it comes to asking for help we are pretty sure that for us, practice won’t ever make perfect. As typical firstborns, we will probably always try to retain some semblance of control. That said, we are learning all the time that this is one situation where self sufficiency isn’t sufficient.
