Gratitude Revisited

In her last post, Cassie mentioned our nightly tradition of writing in our gratitude journals. What she didn’t know was that I stopped journaling the day she was diagnosed.

I wasn’t feeling grateful. I was pissed. Angry at the world. Not understanding why something like this would happen to such a good person. Why had the cancer come back? Why didn’t the doctors catch all of it 16 years ago when it first appeared? Why couldn’t they cure it now? Why, why, why? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.  That’s how I felt. Not grateful, rageful.

Then, in my first appointment following Cassie’s diagnosis, my therapist Craig said: “The most important thing right now is gratitude.” I told him right away that I didn’t see it. I mean yes, I was grateful we had health insurance and flexibility around work and for our supportive community, but that was it. I was too angry and scared to be deeply grateful.

He looked at me and said. “You’re really hurting. You’re in a ton of pain. And you’re really terrified, right?” Yes to all three, I affirmed. Well he went on to say: “Maybe the reason it hurts so much, and is so painful, is because those things are in direct proportion to how much you love Cassie and that’s what you should be grateful for.”

I looked at him and took it in. Started to speak then stopped and thought some more. He was right. Cassie and I are blessed with a great love and that is why this hurts so much and is so scary — because the love of my life is sick and I hate everything about that. But I am grateful for our love, now more than ever.

I told Craig he had earned his therapist gold star that day. That night I shared all this with Cassie and we both embraced the idea that pain and gratitude might now be intertwined in ways we didn’t previously understand. Then I took out my gratitude journal and started writing again. The thing I was most grateful for that day, and every day since: “Time left with Cassie.”