It’s been roughly 15 months since Cassie was diagnosed. In that time, we have learned that one of the most challenging things is balancing conflicting realities. For example, on many if not most days, Cassie feels pretty crappy (not that you could tell by looking at her but that’s a whole other blog post). She’s got far less energy than she had before — a third less on a stellar day — her joints hurt and she often just feels what we have come to call “ooky.” It’s a pretty crummy way to have to live but it’s Cassie’s reality.
Another reality is that this period of time, right now, in the years immediately following diagnosis likely represent the best that Cassie will ever feel again. This is it. We are in the MBC “glory days.” On the top floor. In the rose garden of terminal diagnosis. This is as good as it will probably ever be and that’s a reality too.
So you put those two realities together and it can make your head spin. Cassie feels pretty crappy. This is the best that Cassie will ever feel. WTF?
Dan was talking about this in therapy a while back and his therapist got it right away and said: “Yeah you are in the shallow end of the swamp.” That framing immediately resonated with both of us. We are most definitely in the swamp and the swamp sucks. There are metaphorical snakes and alligators and bugs and it’s hot and unpleasant. But in the shallow end you can still move around and occasionally find dry land. You can navigate and get some relief. For us, being in the shallow end of our cancer swamp means that’s Cassie side effects are pretty minimal. That she can still drink wine and travel and that we do a lot of the things we enjoy, even if we have to do them differently than before.
When we think about being in the shallow end of the swamp it’s not the same as saying that our glass is “half-full” (nothing about this glass is good). It is more about acknowledging that our realities don’t have to be in tension. Both are true. We also have a choice. What are we going to focus on each day? The swamp and how shitty that is, or the fact that we are not yet in the deep? On good days we remind each other that we are in the shallow end and try to take advantage of it. It’s not easy but right now it’s the best we’ve got.
